Tired of the same old math, science, statistics, and programming memes people post online and want something a little more elaborate? This is the book for you. Tremble as we make up all our own facts and data, hand-draw diagrams in MS Paint, and quote from fictional studies and journals. Cower as authors write in the first person because their study is just a little too personal for them. Recoil from the sheer mass of oversimplified methodology, distilling someone's entire thesis into a paragraph of jokes crude enough to make it into a Mike Myers movie. Over the last few years, we have taken arguments that you would normally have after four Jack and cokes at game night and turned them into properly formatted research papers with a writing tone serious enough to confuse the uninitiated. These papers are high-effort jokes by researchers and scientists for researchers and scientists. They cover a range of topics such as the consequences of re-releasing tourists back into Yellowstone National Park after COVID-19, how to play StarCraft competitively online on a quantum computer, and most importantly, how trees around the globe are becoming increasingly radicalized.